How do I heal from stress, when stress feels like home?

Dear diary,

I think I am stressed out, and I don't even recognize it anymore. I have been living in this state of overwhelm for so long that when I find myself at peace, it feels unnatural. It feels like boredom. It feels like laziness. It feels like I am addicted to the stress, and it now feels like my comfort zone.

So, how do I heal from something that feels like home?

In my head, things are so loud, and my body constantly feels like it's on high alert, so I try to overcompensate and go to the opposite extreme, where I do nothing, in silence for hours, to feel like there is any sort of balance to my internal world. 

The issue is, when I step back and observe myself, when there is chaos in me, on the outside, I am just sitting there. When I try to balance that chaos with quiet in my internal world, on the outside, I am also still just sitting there. This entire draining, energetic battle is happening inside, and no one can see any of it from the outside. I feel crazy. 

I isolate myself, but I miss my friends. I miss having friends. I feel lonely, but I have a hard time with loud noises / lights / overwhelm, so I chose the loneliness because it's more bearable. Everything has been made exponentially more intense, both highs and lows, after my brain injury. It has been over 3 years now, and there are parts of me I know I lost, and I don't think they are coming back, no matter how many more brain foods or supplements I take. 

When I have too many feelings, I don't sleep.

When I don't sleep... I can't remember things. I can't regulate my emotions or responses to life. 

So, I end up having too many feelings, and round and round we go. 

Being a highly sensitive person was hard.

Being a highly sensitive person with a dysregulated nervous system and traumatic brain injury is harder. 

But being sensitive doesn't stop at emotions. 

Being sensitive looks like diarrhea every time I get stressed.

It looks like psoriasis and joint pain flares.

It looks like bloating.

Acne.

Insomnia.

Low energy.

Crap mood.

Breathing issues. 

I’m talking about my experience, but it feels like I’m complaining. 

It feels like the world will think I'm lazy.

Like they will know I am a failure. 

Like they will tell me I am overreacting and I should stop with the “circus”.

Those are all my mother's words. 

They are now mine. 

How do I heal when I say to myself all the hurtful things she did?